I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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