Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
