Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
