i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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