she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
