I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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