Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
