the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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