Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
