I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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