Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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