New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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