did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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