it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
