I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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