I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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