Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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