I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
