he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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