I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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