We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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