I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
