Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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