That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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