i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
