Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
