dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
