My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
