Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
