I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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