So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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