I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
