If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
