Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
