My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
how drunk are you?
Several
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
