I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
