so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
