What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
