I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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