can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
