Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
