Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just invented taco cereal.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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