We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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