i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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