i would punch a child for taco bell
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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