This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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