Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
