i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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