That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
