Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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