is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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